Sunday, February 29th


Listening to: Elliot Smith - either or
Current mood: apathetic

Well, again I'm posting just for the purpose of posting. I know there are a few people who actually read this thing, mainly just because they're my friends. So I can't just go weeks without posting or I feel bad. I mean, what's more fun than reading the depressed complaints of a friend? Ok, well probably just about anything but like I said, they're my friends so I guess it must entertain them or something.

Speaking of depressed, I started to actually do a post last night, but the first sentece was something to the effect of everything is meaningless and there's no point to life whatsoever. I was not the happiest last night, you see. It's been one of those weekends that seems to exist solely to disappoint. See, I was planning on hanging out with my friend Matt on Friday night, but he ended up getting the stomach flu (hope you're feeling better by the way), which was no big deal, I don't usually go out on Friday nights anyway. So instead I stayed home and got in a lovely fight over the phone with my girlfriend. (Though she may not call it a fight, she has different definitions for those sorts of things than I). We bascially resolved everything (um, I think we did at least...) but it just left me in a horrible mood. Sterling beginning for a weekend, no?

So I woke up depressed yesterday, but at least I had last night to look forward to. See, Pat and I were supposed to hang out with our friend Mary. We love hanging out with Mary. It was going to be all kinds of fun. But of course, it ended up that she was sick too (something to do with whiskey sours the night before, I didn't get the entire story). So yeah, I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this but I hope she's feeling better too.

So I ended up playing NWN and watching No Maps for These Territories which was enjoyable but not really the kind of evening I was in the mood for. Basically my problem is that I wasn't feeling terribly asocial this weekend, and had sort of been looking forward to going out with friends. You know, some weekends sitting at home and playing Neverwinter Nights and maybe watching a movie and some anime is right up my alley. This was not one of those weekends.

I guess part of it is I'm realizing more and more that my time here in San Diego is limited. In what like, a little over 6 months, I'm getting married (which don't get me wrong, I'm very much looking forward to). Not to mention that in probably 3-4 months I'm moving back up to Oregon, for at least a year if not permanently. I don't have a lot of friends, and about four out of maybe eight total are down here. The thought that I'm moving away and in the future may only occasionally see these people is really depressing to me. I mean, my life has its ups and downs, and my friends are basically the main portion of the ups. Don't know if they know that, but it's true. Ok well, I'm starting to push my mood from apathetic into the somber/melancholy range. I'm gonna stop writing now.

(It's interesting, sometimes you don't know you have anything on your mind till you start writing.)

Matt on 02.29.04 @ 06:23 PM PST [link

Monday, February 23rd

Wholesome behavior

Listening to: Kid Koala - Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Current mood: Headache

Been a little while since I blogged, I know. I've really got to start doing this more often. So my complaint for the moment is that I'm sitting here with a decent hangover-type headache despite having done nothing to deserve one. Yes, I did decide to try out Stone's limited edition Old Guardian Barleywine last night, which is most likely the cause. But my evening mainly consisted of eating soup and watching My Dinner with Andre, (a movie I really enjoyed by the way) which is hardly the sort of evening that I should be punished for. In general, I don't think an evening can be more wholesome than soup, bread, and a art film written by and starring Wallace Shawn.

Now, I was not only expecting, but even willing to feel bad after last week's bottle of shiraz and Interview with the Vampire evening. Such things I understand. If I were a believer in karma I would say that bottles of wine and vampire movies were certainly the sort of thing that must be atoned for the next day. But it seems that alcohol is no more a believer than I am, or else I would be feeling great today, happy and full of life and energy and thought, instead of exhausted, hopeless, barely conscious, and headache plagued. Ah well, c'est la vie, at least there's coffee.

Matt on 02.23.04 @ 03:00 PM PST [link

Saturday, February 14th

Obligatory Valentine's Day post

Listening to: Lemon Jelly - Lost Horizons
Current mood: Jovial

Jovial? I feel jovial? That can't be right. Although I just opened my Valentine's Day package from Lynnea and it contained enough love and chocolate to cheer even the most dysthymic heart. I've also got Lemon Jelly playing, and it's generally just hard to be unhappy while listening to say, Nice Weather for Ducks, for example.

So I'm referring to this post as obligatory because I've no doubt that nearly everyone in the blogosphere is out there posting something about our friend February the 14th. I've also no doubt that most of those posts reflect our cultural hatred for Valentine's Day, complaining about how it makes them feel depressed and unloved and whatnot. Well, you know something? Some of us feel depressed and unloved every day. Valentine's Day isn't so bad. Sure I've had a few bad ones in my day, but even in past years when I have been depressed, it's always made for a great excuse to listen to The Cure and drink wine directly out of the bottle.

If you happen have someone who loves you (how I found such a thing I have no idea), it can make for a pretty decent day. If not, well, they sell Cure albums in the store. Wish is my favorite. And Trader Joe's is selling that $3 Shiraz that's pretty good... That's all I'm saying.

Matt on 02.14.04 @ 03:18 PM PST [link

Saturday, February 7th

What's My Motivation?

Listening to: Underworld 1992-2002
Current mood: Pensive

As the title of this post might suggest I have nothing specific on my mind that I really want to blog about, but for the sake of updating I'm forcing myself. I don't want this to be one of those blogs that's only updated every month or so. Of course in thinking about my motivation for blogging today, it leads me into thinking about my motivation for blogging in general. After all, why am I doing this? As far as I know no one has ever come to this site or ever will come (admittedly I haven't set up a counter or anything yet, so I have no idea if I'm getting any traffic or not). On top of that, I don't know that I have anything interesting to say. I like to think I do, but I like to think a number of things that may or may not be true.

Of course, thinking about my motivations towards blogging invariably leads into questions as to my motivation towards anything. As far as the basic motivation for actually getting out of bed in the morning, my motivations are as clouded as the rest of humanity's. Goethe said (in Faust II, I believe) that the two greatest enemies of mankind are Hope and Fear. He was, if I recall, mainly referring to the Catholic church controlling their subjects via the fear of hell and the hope of heaven. These two tenants seem to control people regardless of religious affiliation, however, though whether as enemies or allies I can't determine. We get out bed every day with the hope that someday, whether though our own efforts or through blind luck, the future will be a better place. Fear motivates us in the same way, the fear that if we don't get out bed and proceed to our arbitrary jobs at an arbitrarily specified time, we'll end up living in the gutter drinking nail polish remover.

As far as my other motivations, I suspect that the nearly nirvanic apathy/ennui I've developed lately requires there to be one or two things that I'm utterly obsessed with at any given time. That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why I've spent the past week studying Japanese with such fervor that I've been seeing kana in my dreams, or why I suddenly snapped last sunday and spent something like five hours drawing, which is at least four hours more than I've done in one stretch for at least a few months.

Once again, I seem to have answered at least one of my questions. I suppose that the reason that I blog is to actually coherently organize the chains of thought that run though my head. It's a somewhat dark and tangled place in there, and I think this helps a bit. It's also appearenly quite ellucidating to the people that know me. Lynnea (my girlfriend of the past three and a half years, and now fiance, for those that don't know) has told me that she feels like she doesn't know the person that writes this. That's ok, I don't really know the person who writes this either.

"...comin through the tiny holes in the corners of the night, the tips of your wings are comin though the tiny holes..."
Matt on 02.07.04 @ 03:42 PM PST [link