02/07/2004: "What's My Motivation?"

Listening to: Underworld 1992-2002
Current mood: Pensive

As the title of this post might suggest I have nothing specific on my mind that I really want to blog about, but for the sake of updating I'm forcing myself. I don't want this to be one of those blogs that's only updated every month or so. Of course in thinking about my motivation for blogging today, it leads me into thinking about my motivation for blogging in general. After all, why am I doing this? As far as I know no one has ever come to this site or ever will come (admittedly I haven't set up a counter or anything yet, so I have no idea if I'm getting any traffic or not). On top of that, I don't know that I have anything interesting to say. I like to think I do, but I like to think a number of things that may or may not be true.

Of course, thinking about my motivations towards blogging invariably leads into questions as to my motivation towards anything. As far as the basic motivation for actually getting out of bed in the morning, my motivations are as clouded as the rest of humanity's. Goethe said (in Faust II, I believe) that the two greatest enemies of mankind are Hope and Fear. He was, if I recall, mainly referring to the Catholic church controlling their subjects via the fear of hell and the hope of heaven. These two tenants seem to control people regardless of religious affiliation, however, though whether as enemies or allies I can't determine. We get out bed every day with the hope that someday, whether though our own efforts or through blind luck, the future will be a better place. Fear motivates us in the same way, the fear that if we don't get out bed and proceed to our arbitrary jobs at an arbitrarily specified time, we'll end up living in the gutter drinking nail polish remover.

As far as my other motivations, I suspect that the nearly nirvanic apathy/ennui I've developed lately requires there to be one or two things that I'm utterly obsessed with at any given time. That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why I've spent the past week studying Japanese with such fervor that I've been seeing kana in my dreams, or why I suddenly snapped last sunday and spent something like five hours drawing, which is at least four hours more than I've done in one stretch for at least a few months.

Once again, I seem to have answered at least one of my questions. I suppose that the reason that I blog is to actually coherently organize the chains of thought that run though my head. It's a somewhat dark and tangled place in there, and I think this helps a bit. It's also appearenly quite ellucidating to the people that know me. Lynnea (my girlfriend of the past three and a half years, and now fiance, for those that don't know) has told me that she feels like she doesn't know the person that writes this. That's ok, I don't really know the person who writes this either.

"...comin through the tiny holes in the corners of the night, the tips of your wings are comin though the tiny holes..."

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The Complete John Silence Stories by Algernon Blackwood

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The Weird Tale by S.T. Joshi

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