06/29/2007: "On the Keeping of Cracked Water Glasses"

Listening to: Herbert - Bodily Functions
Current mood: still in very mild shock

Sirs and Madams, I would like to take this opportunity to inform you about the dangers of keeping water glasses which have cracks in them among your other drinking vessels. There are many in these times who will tell you "A cracked glass is good enough for my water, sir." In fact, this is a popular slogan which you may have read on tins of soda crackers. But to these I say - and with all due kindness for I was once as they - you are fools! I speak not out of any sense of elitism - nay, I am a man of the people. What care I the state of a man's glass? Rather it is his heart that concerns me. His heart and possibly his hand.

Hear then, if you will indulge me, my tale. And let it also be a warning to you that you might not experience what I have gone through. When I was a younger man, around 4 this afternoon I believe it was, I happened by chance, being in an industrious mood and already having done two loads of laundry, to find myself washing the family dishes (a job normally done by the servants except that they do not exist). All was going well for quite some time until I happened to pick up the article in question - the dreaded cracked water glass. As I inserted my sponge-gripped right hand into the vessel, I found myself experiencing a sudden and entirely unexpected jolt of pain! I instinctively jerked my hand back towards me, spraying a shower of blood and water across the kitchen and then it was that realized what had happened. The water glass, weakened by the flaw in its structure had split apart, one of the now razor-sharp shards glancing off the knuckle bone of my small-finger and cutting deep into the flesh of the side of my hand. Flooded with adrenaline, I was able to find my way to the bathroom and, after a time, managed to apply a series of bandages using black electrical tapes as a means of adding some manner of pressure to the wound. After cleaning up the considerable amount of blood on the floors and sink, I was then forced to make my way - still in minor shock, mind you - to the nearest chemist in order to obtain more proper wrappings for my hand. This I did manage without too much difficulty although upon my return I was forced to take a draught of rum, for I still felt very much dizzy and ill.

So let that then be my warning to you, and the next time some fellow at the club or a tin of soda crackers suggests to you that "A cracked glass is good enough for my water, sir.", recall my story and set the fellow (or tin of soda crackers) straight.

Replies: 1 Comment

This is a hilarious post, but it really did happen and his hand looks horrible. It bled all over the wall and the pillow in the middle of the night. That's a frightening thing to wake up to.

[lynnea] on Wednesday, July 4th

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